1 00:00:04,437 --> 00:00:06,105 Come on in. 2 00:00:14,447 --> 00:00:17,216 This is great, you know. You really got to meet Debra. 3 00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:19,151 I could've signed the book for you at the store, you know. 4 00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:20,686 Yeah, but she's a big basketball fan. 5 00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,654 Come on, this will be fun, come on. 6 00:00:26,059 --> 00:00:28,427 Jeez, maybe I should just leave a signed basketball or something. 7 00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:29,461 No, no, no. This will be great. 8 00:00:29,463 --> 00:00:31,397 Watch this. 9 00:00:31,399 --> 00:00:33,065 Deb, Deb-- 10 00:00:33,067 --> 00:00:35,100 - Oh, hi. - Hi. 11 00:00:35,102 --> 00:00:38,437 Who's your favorite basketball player of all time? 12 00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:40,773 Michael Jordan. 13 00:00:42,275 --> 00:00:43,776 No, no, no, no. 14 00:00:43,778 --> 00:00:45,811 Retired, retired basketball player? 15 00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:48,047 Oh, Larry Bird. 16 00:00:51,584 --> 00:00:53,752 He played for the Lakers. 17 00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:55,821 Wilt Chamberlain. 18 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,659 You know, this isn't my house. 19 00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:03,595 That's what it is. 20 00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,297 I want my book back. 21 00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:08,167 Kareem, come on, I'll make you something to eat. 22 00:01:09,502 --> 00:01:10,669 Hi, I'm Ray. 23 00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:14,773 I live here in Long Island with my wife, Debra-- 24 00:01:14,797 --> 00:01:17,197 She's great with the kids, the house, everything. 25 00:01:17,221 --> 00:01:19,074 Oh, I don't know how she does it. 26 00:01:19,075 --> 00:01:23,616 We've got a daughter, Ally, and twin two-year-old boys. 27 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:26,240 It's not really about the kids. 28 00:01:27,318 --> 00:01:29,821 My parents live across the street. 29 00:01:29,845 --> 00:01:31,422 That's right. 30 00:01:31,423 --> 00:01:33,722 And my brother lives with them. 31 00:01:34,024 --> 00:01:37,625 Now, not every family would go by on a conveyer belt for you, 32 00:01:37,649 --> 00:01:39,449 but mine would, because-- 33 00:01:39,473 --> 00:01:41,328 Everybody loves Raymond. 34 00:01:41,329 --> 00:01:43,263 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 35 00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,411 Did you hear Howie Simon's son 36 00:01:51,413 --> 00:01:54,247 sold one of those funny little anecdotes to "reader's digest"? 37 00:01:54,249 --> 00:01:56,649 Yeah, okay, good. Good for him. 38 00:01:56,651 --> 00:02:00,153 That's $50. 39 00:02:00,155 --> 00:02:02,555 Yeah? 40 00:02:02,557 --> 00:02:05,658 So why can't you do something like that? 41 00:02:05,660 --> 00:02:07,227 Dad, I'm a writer, dad. 42 00:02:07,229 --> 00:02:09,629 The newspaper pays me to write full-time. 43 00:02:09,631 --> 00:02:11,331 Look, I'm not talking about the sports column; 44 00:02:11,333 --> 00:02:12,398 That's great. 45 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,168 I'm talking on the side. 46 00:02:17,204 --> 00:02:18,838 Funny anecdotes on the side? 47 00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:21,574 Yeah, that's free money for you. 48 00:02:21,576 --> 00:02:22,575 Okay. 49 00:02:22,577 --> 00:02:24,644 Here. Lamb chops. 50 00:02:24,646 --> 00:02:26,913 Aw, mom, I got dinner! She's cooking-- 51 00:02:26,915 --> 00:02:28,615 All right, one. 52 00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:31,551 Look, dad, thanks for the advice, 53 00:02:31,553 --> 00:02:34,420 But I'm not writing anything for "reader's digest." 54 00:02:34,422 --> 00:02:37,190 You can afford to turn down extra cash? 55 00:02:37,192 --> 00:02:39,826 I'm talking on the side. 56 00:02:39,828 --> 00:02:43,196 Oh, the mint jelly. Yeah, yeah. Hold on. 57 00:02:43,198 --> 00:02:45,532 Here, right here. 58 00:02:45,534 --> 00:02:48,601 We're talking the "digest" here, Ray. 59 00:02:48,603 --> 00:02:49,702 You know the kind of talent 60 00:02:49,704 --> 00:02:52,172 It takes to take a novel like this-- 61 00:02:52,174 --> 00:02:54,807 And put it on a page and a half? 62 00:02:54,809 --> 00:02:55,942 That's writing. 63 00:02:55,944 --> 00:02:57,944 All right, enough already, dad. 64 00:02:57,946 --> 00:02:59,679 Look, if you like the magazine so much, 65 00:02:59,681 --> 00:03:01,514 Why don't you go write something for it yourself? 66 00:03:01,516 --> 00:03:02,849 What do you mean? 67 00:03:02,851 --> 00:03:05,518 Yeah, he's right. 68 00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:07,720 Why don't you get off your rear end and do it yourself? 69 00:03:07,722 --> 00:03:09,455 I think it's a very good idea. 70 00:03:09,457 --> 00:03:10,557 - You do? - Uh-huh. 71 00:03:10,559 --> 00:03:12,425 I tell you what; 72 00:03:12,427 --> 00:03:15,261 I'm going to go home and fake hunger. 73 00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,531 Oh. 74 00:03:18,533 --> 00:03:19,732 Give me that chop. 75 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,240 The "reader's digest." 76 00:03:27,242 --> 00:03:30,577 They do have some funny stuff in there. Heh, heh, heh. 77 00:03:40,487 --> 00:03:43,323 If you're happy and you know it, 78 00:03:43,325 --> 00:03:44,924 Clap your hands. 79 00:03:44,926 --> 00:03:47,427 - Hey. - Hey. 80 00:03:47,429 --> 00:03:50,496 Hey, oh, boy, what are we watching? 81 00:03:50,498 --> 00:03:53,233 Oh, "we sing in sillyville." 82 00:03:53,235 --> 00:03:54,534 Hey, guess what? 83 00:03:54,536 --> 00:03:56,736 It's on mornings and evenings now. 84 00:03:56,738 --> 00:03:57,904 Twice the silly. 85 00:03:57,906 --> 00:03:59,772 - Yay! - Oh, yeah. 86 00:03:59,774 --> 00:04:01,708 There goes John Jacob jingleheimer schmidt. 87 00:04:01,710 --> 00:04:04,544 Da-da-da-da-da! 88 00:04:04,546 --> 00:04:08,414 Okay. We have to cancel cable. 89 00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:09,716 Yeah. 90 00:04:09,718 --> 00:04:11,951 Okay, go up and get your jammies on. 91 00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:16,623 Uh, Ray? 92 00:04:16,625 --> 00:04:17,690 Yeah? 93 00:04:17,692 --> 00:04:19,559 Robert's still here. 94 00:04:19,561 --> 00:04:21,828 Oh, hey, Robert, what're you doing here? 95 00:04:21,830 --> 00:04:24,764 I had a suspicion I need to confirm. 96 00:04:24,766 --> 00:04:26,733 Robert, what's wrong? 97 00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:30,770 I don't think Michael likes me anymore. 98 00:04:30,772 --> 00:04:33,773 What are you talking about? 99 00:04:33,775 --> 00:04:35,441 He's not like Geoffrey. 100 00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:39,045 He seems standoffish. 101 00:04:39,047 --> 00:04:42,382 You know Michael's a baby, right? 102 00:04:42,384 --> 00:04:43,883 It's just a feeling. 103 00:04:43,885 --> 00:04:45,918 Cop's instinct. 104 00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:48,288 He wants nothing to do with me. 105 00:04:50,024 --> 00:04:51,591 Attention, everybody. 106 00:04:51,593 --> 00:04:54,527 Guess who is now a published writer. 107 00:04:54,529 --> 00:04:56,529 - Who? - What are you talking about? 108 00:04:56,531 --> 00:04:58,965 Today the mailman brought me fame and fortune. 109 00:04:58,967 --> 00:05:00,433 The "reader's digest." 110 00:05:00,435 --> 00:05:04,037 Over 27 million copies sold in 19 languages. 111 00:05:04,039 --> 00:05:06,739 And all around the world, each and every reader 112 00:05:06,741 --> 00:05:09,309 Will now open to page 64, 113 00:05:09,311 --> 00:05:12,545 The "humor in uniform" section. 114 00:05:12,547 --> 00:05:14,781 Well, what are you waiting for? 115 00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:18,384 Let's see here. 116 00:05:18,386 --> 00:05:22,755 - Ah, oh, my. - How did that happen? 117 00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:23,756 Did you know, ma? 118 00:05:23,758 --> 00:05:24,757 Did you know he was doing this? 119 00:05:24,759 --> 00:05:26,025 Please. 120 00:05:26,027 --> 00:05:27,727 You think he could get this done by himself? 121 00:05:27,729 --> 00:05:30,029 The man can't wipe his own chin. 122 00:05:30,031 --> 00:05:31,831 Marie was my little typist. 123 00:05:31,833 --> 00:05:35,501 Don't call me your little typist. 124 00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:37,937 So, uh, why don't you read it out loud, Ray? 125 00:05:37,939 --> 00:05:40,440 No, no, we don't-- That's not necessary, dad. 126 00:05:40,442 --> 00:05:41,908 We'll read it. No, no, come on. 127 00:05:41,910 --> 00:05:44,344 You have such a nice speaking voice. 128 00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:50,616 "Throughout our first week of basic training"-- 129 00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:54,587 Louder and funnier. 130 00:05:54,589 --> 00:05:56,589 - "Our drill sergeant" -- - Stand up. Stand up. 131 00:05:56,591 --> 00:05:57,924 Aw, come on. 132 00:05:57,926 --> 00:05:58,925 Up, up, up, up. 133 00:05:58,927 --> 00:06:00,460 There you go. There you go. 134 00:06:00,462 --> 00:06:02,495 "Our drill sergeant stressed to us 135 00:06:02,497 --> 00:06:04,597 "the importance of addressing all officers 136 00:06:04,599 --> 00:06:07,367 With what he called a sir sandwich--" 137 00:06:09,904 --> 00:06:11,637 "sir, yes, sir; 138 00:06:11,639 --> 00:06:13,873 "sir, I don't know, sir; and the like. 139 00:06:13,875 --> 00:06:16,409 "A few days later, a colonel approached me in the motor pool 140 00:06:16,411 --> 00:06:18,578 "and asked what I was working on. 141 00:06:18,580 --> 00:06:20,413 "Using the sir sandwich, I said, 142 00:06:20,415 --> 00:06:23,983 "sir, checking the oil, sir, in these jeeps, sir, 143 00:06:23,985 --> 00:06:26,786 "and, sir, checking the tires, sir. 144 00:06:26,788 --> 00:06:28,121 "The colonel laughed and said, 145 00:06:28,123 --> 00:06:30,490 "private, I appreciate your respect, 146 00:06:30,492 --> 00:06:33,860 But I don't need a sir club sandwich." 147 00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:43,836 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 148 00:06:43,838 --> 00:06:45,705 True story. 149 00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,041 Hey, Ray, what do you think? 150 00:06:49,043 --> 00:06:51,677 Oh, it's a classic, dad. 151 00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:55,148 And that's not all. Look at this. 152 00:06:55,150 --> 00:06:58,918 A check for $300. Ooh! 153 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:00,620 I'd frame it, but then I couldn't take 154 00:07:00,622 --> 00:07:02,889 My little typist out for a fancy dinner. 155 00:07:05,427 --> 00:07:07,126 Every time you call me that, 156 00:07:07,128 --> 00:07:11,531 It's going to cost you 300 bucks. 157 00:07:11,533 --> 00:07:12,765 Michael threw his milk at me. 158 00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:14,066 - Oh! - Oh! 159 00:07:17,538 --> 00:07:19,138 Isn't that great? 160 00:07:19,140 --> 00:07:21,441 That could be my second story. 161 00:07:21,443 --> 00:07:23,776 The "digest" loves a naughty baby. 162 00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:31,551 "Teenage boys can be shy and awkward. 163 00:07:31,553 --> 00:07:34,687 "Their voices crack, their skin breaks out, 164 00:07:34,689 --> 00:07:37,156 "and they're afraid of anything in a dress. 165 00:07:37,158 --> 00:07:41,694 This was especially true for my son Roy." 166 00:07:41,696 --> 00:07:43,696 Dad, you're writing about me. 167 00:07:43,698 --> 00:07:45,731 It says "Roy." 168 00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:48,234 Oh, thanks, dod. 169 00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:51,471 Hey, look, 170 00:07:51,473 --> 00:07:54,540 I'm using what we call artistic license there. 171 00:07:54,542 --> 00:07:55,942 Sure, I'm writing about my kid, 172 00:07:55,944 --> 00:07:58,478 But it's got to come off like anybody's kid. 173 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:02,181 You see, I have to write as the everyman. 174 00:08:02,183 --> 00:08:04,784 - You're the everyman? - Right. 175 00:08:04,786 --> 00:08:06,986 It's got to mean something to Debra and Marie, 176 00:08:06,988 --> 00:08:09,722 The guy in snowbound Sweden looking for a laugh. 177 00:08:09,724 --> 00:08:12,692 Oh, especially him. Yeah, okay. 178 00:08:12,694 --> 00:08:15,528 Look, dad, I got a column due in about an hour, all right? 179 00:08:15,530 --> 00:08:17,964 So I'm going to see you. Okay. 180 00:08:17,966 --> 00:08:20,099 "Roy, being a typical teenager, 181 00:08:20,101 --> 00:08:23,803 "was besieged by raging hormones-- 182 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:29,509 Making it difficult for him to keep his mind on his studies." 183 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,278 Oh, my god. 184 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,681 Ooh, he's the everyman. 185 00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,316 Can you imagine? 186 00:08:37,318 --> 00:08:39,751 Can you imagine if every man was Frank Barone? 187 00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:41,186 Nope. 188 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:42,421 Boy, wouldn't sizzler love that? 189 00:08:42,423 --> 00:08:43,222 Yeah. 190 00:08:43,224 --> 00:08:44,456 Do me a favor. 191 00:08:44,458 --> 00:08:45,824 Please, keep everyman out of here. 192 00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:47,493 How am I supposed to do that? 193 00:08:47,495 --> 00:08:50,529 How fast can you make a pot roast? 194 00:08:50,531 --> 00:08:52,397 So what's the column about, Ray? 195 00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:53,465 Oh-- 196 00:08:53,467 --> 00:08:57,302 - Got to go. - No! 197 00:08:57,304 --> 00:09:00,439 It's the giants, dad. 198 00:09:00,441 --> 00:09:03,342 Go on. Go on. Don't let me bother you. 199 00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:09,815 This is the toughest part, isn't it? 200 00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:10,816 What? 201 00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:13,385 That. The blank page. 202 00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:17,723 It just sits there and mocks you, dares you-- 203 00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:21,860 Annoys you. Bothers you. 204 00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:24,630 I guess so. Well, go on, write. 205 00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:26,765 Conquer the blank page. 206 00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,300 I'm not even here. 207 00:09:35,875 --> 00:09:37,676 Shouldn't you indent? 208 00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:40,679 Dad, don't you want to get started 209 00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,181 On that story about the twins? 210 00:09:42,183 --> 00:09:45,551 No rush. It's fermenting. 211 00:09:45,553 --> 00:09:47,853 Well, don't let it go bad in there, dad. 212 00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:49,755 Come on. Go, go. 213 00:09:49,757 --> 00:09:51,190 Run. Run with it. 214 00:09:51,192 --> 00:09:53,325 I'm asking you, dad, as a proud parent. 215 00:09:53,327 --> 00:09:54,359 Run. 216 00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:55,494 I guess you're right, you know. 217 00:09:55,496 --> 00:09:56,762 I got to go get started. 218 00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,397 Yeah, okay. 219 00:10:02,902 --> 00:10:05,637 You know, Ray, 220 00:10:05,639 --> 00:10:09,274 When I retired, I thought, "well, this is it." 221 00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:11,476 You know, I--sometimes I just sit there saying, 222 00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:13,478 "I got nothing left." 223 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:14,646 But with this writing thing, 224 00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:16,782 It's like I got a whole new lease on life. 225 00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:18,383 I--I can't describe it. 226 00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:21,520 It's like, for the first time in a whole lot of years, 227 00:10:21,522 --> 00:10:26,491 I feel good. 228 00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:27,526 That's-- That's good, dad. 229 00:10:27,528 --> 00:10:29,761 That's nice. I--I'm glad. 230 00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:32,431 Well, I got you to thank for it. 231 00:10:32,433 --> 00:10:34,433 You're a writer. Yeah. 232 00:10:34,435 --> 00:10:37,970 I look at you, and I see what I had in me. 233 00:10:37,972 --> 00:10:39,605 Hey, you know, 234 00:10:39,607 --> 00:10:41,807 Now we know where your talent comes from. 235 00:10:43,710 --> 00:10:47,980 So go on. Show me your chops. 236 00:10:47,982 --> 00:10:50,449 Did you know mark twain had a son who was a writer? 237 00:10:50,451 --> 00:10:52,818 You know what they called him? 238 00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:54,920 - No. - Choo-choo. 239 00:10:54,922 --> 00:10:57,456 Choo-choo twain! Ha, ha, ha. 240 00:10:57,458 --> 00:10:59,424 That was in the "digest." 241 00:11:08,534 --> 00:11:10,602 Oh, hi, Ray. You hungry? 242 00:11:10,604 --> 00:11:12,404 No, no. 243 00:11:12,406 --> 00:11:13,705 Shouldn't you be at work? 244 00:11:13,707 --> 00:11:16,875 Yeah, I was, ma, until dad stopped by. 245 00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:18,577 - Oh. - Yeah. 246 00:11:18,579 --> 00:11:21,113 I'm having lunch at the paper with the guys, 247 00:11:21,115 --> 00:11:22,848 And he just shows up. 248 00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,850 He starts telling us about writing. 249 00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:26,718 Telling us! 250 00:11:28,454 --> 00:11:31,656 When I left, he was teaching us about alliteration. 251 00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:34,593 So, fearing my father the freak, 252 00:11:34,595 --> 00:11:38,864 I fled before there was a fatality. 253 00:11:40,099 --> 00:11:42,134 Look at these. Look at these hands. 254 00:11:42,136 --> 00:11:45,036 I used to make angel hair pasta with these hands. 255 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:48,407 And now, I'm a grease monkey! 256 00:11:49,942 --> 00:11:51,476 You have to talk to him, ma. 257 00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:53,011 No, he doesn't listen to me. 258 00:11:53,013 --> 00:11:55,080 What, you think I like doing this? 259 00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:57,449 Oh, I have a life too. 260 00:11:57,451 --> 00:12:01,420 I could be out learning French. 261 00:12:01,422 --> 00:12:02,788 Ma, you wouldn't do that. 262 00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:04,623 We'll never know, will we? 263 00:12:05,992 --> 00:12:08,693 No, Raymond, Raymond, you have to handle this. 264 00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:10,429 This is your problem. 265 00:12:10,431 --> 00:12:11,797 What are you-- How is it my problem? 266 00:12:11,799 --> 00:12:12,898 What did I do? 267 00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:14,666 You're the writer. Huh? 268 00:12:14,668 --> 00:12:17,536 He wants your approval. Can't you see that? 269 00:12:17,538 --> 00:12:19,538 Just talk to your father. 270 00:12:19,540 --> 00:12:23,141 Oh, where do you come up with that stuff, ma? 271 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,045 Hey, Ray, there you are. 272 00:12:28,648 --> 00:12:30,148 Hey, your friends are really gung-ho 273 00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:32,617 About that computer stuff. 274 00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:35,754 Personally, I don't see what they're so excited about. 275 00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:39,524 Maybe it's all that Internet porno. 276 00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:41,860 Just talk to your father. 277 00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:45,230 I hope you're happy. I'm an ink-stained wretch. 278 00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:47,899 Hey, dad, this whole writing thing, dad, 279 00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,468 I'm-- I'm glad you found it, 280 00:12:49,470 --> 00:12:51,002 Because it's good to have something. 281 00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:53,505 You mean the "digest"? 282 00:12:53,507 --> 00:12:54,739 All right, I'm going to give you $1,000 283 00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:57,776 If you stop calling it "the 'digest.'" 284 00:12:57,778 --> 00:13:00,846 Fair enough. Testing, testing. 285 00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:02,013 Listen, I think it's important 286 00:13:02,015 --> 00:13:04,583 That we're honest here with each other. 287 00:13:04,585 --> 00:13:06,685 - Really? - Yeah. 288 00:13:06,687 --> 00:13:08,086 You know, I'm glad you said that, 289 00:13:08,088 --> 00:13:11,490 Because there's something I was afraid to ask you. 290 00:13:11,492 --> 00:13:12,791 What? 291 00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:19,598 "Frank Barone's I was just thinking." 292 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:21,833 Yeah, my thoughts on a bunch of subjects, you know? 293 00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,502 Infomercials-- 294 00:13:23,504 --> 00:13:25,270 The new car smell-- 295 00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:26,838 Minute rice-- Stuff like that. 296 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,139 It's all there. 297 00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,208 Yeah, it is. 298 00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:32,711 Why do I have it? 299 00:13:32,713 --> 00:13:34,546 Well, you said you wanted to be honest. 300 00:13:34,548 --> 00:13:37,816 I honestly think this would make a great column in your paper. 301 00:13:37,818 --> 00:13:40,685 My paper? 302 00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:43,655 Yeah, why don't you pass it on to the editor? 303 00:13:43,657 --> 00:13:45,824 You want me to show this to my editor? 304 00:13:45,826 --> 00:13:47,058 Thank you, Ray. 305 00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:50,095 And, uh, tell him-- 306 00:13:50,097 --> 00:13:52,664 I look forward to his feedback. 307 00:13:56,168 --> 00:13:58,303 Oh, ma! 308 00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:00,805 It doesn't come out. 309 00:14:00,807 --> 00:14:02,774 It doesn't come out! 310 00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:12,250 - Hi. - Hi. 311 00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:14,019 Hi, hi. Listen, I'm going to-- 312 00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:18,890 I'm going to be hiding for the next few months, okay? 313 00:14:18,892 --> 00:14:21,059 So if my father comes by looking, 314 00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:22,127 You don't know where I am. 315 00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:23,762 What? 316 00:14:23,764 --> 00:14:26,231 Listen, you got to run interference for me, okay? 317 00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:27,632 I'd do the same with your parents. 318 00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:30,068 My parents live in Connecticut. 319 00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:32,237 I'm willing to go. 320 00:14:32,239 --> 00:14:35,574 Matter of fact, he'd never find me in Connecticut. 321 00:14:35,576 --> 00:14:38,977 Why are we hiding today, Ray? 322 00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:40,779 Look at that. 323 00:14:40,781 --> 00:14:42,847 "Frank Barone's I was just thinking." 324 00:14:42,849 --> 00:14:44,316 What is this? It's his column. 325 00:14:44,318 --> 00:14:47,085 - His column? - His column. 326 00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:49,087 Yeah, he wants me to hand it to my editor. 327 00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:51,256 Oh, you're kidding. 328 00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:53,091 Look at this. 329 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:55,660 "The chirp of the cricket has been replaced by the car alarm. 330 00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:58,330 God only knows what will replace the car alarm." 331 00:14:58,332 --> 00:15:02,801 What is that? What could that possibly mean? 332 00:15:02,803 --> 00:15:05,203 Oh, god, he's out of control. 333 00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:07,272 "Like the smell of a freshly-painted room 334 00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:09,007 "as much as the next guy, 335 00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:12,777 But in the end, wallpaper is easier to clean." 336 00:15:12,779 --> 00:15:14,679 Hmm. 337 00:15:14,681 --> 00:15:16,181 Yeah, all right, so he's right about that, 338 00:15:16,183 --> 00:15:19,217 But, come on, how can I hand that to my editor? 339 00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:20,885 He's going to tear it up. 340 00:15:20,887 --> 00:15:24,789 I think you should let your editor take a look at that. 341 00:15:24,791 --> 00:15:27,125 Why? So everyone at work loses respect for me? 342 00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:28,326 And then I get fired, right? 343 00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:29,961 And then you can go back to work, 344 00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:31,296 And I stay with the kids. 345 00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:33,098 No, no, no. 346 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:36,901 I'm not falling for that, Delilah. 347 00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:39,371 No, no, you take his name off of it, 348 00:15:39,373 --> 00:15:41,039 And then you submit it to your editor. 349 00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:42,841 Then he gives you some honest feedback, 350 00:15:42,843 --> 00:15:44,676 Which you can pass on to your father, 351 00:15:44,678 --> 00:15:47,879 And all of this will end. 352 00:15:47,881 --> 00:15:51,016 Hey, that's not bad. That's not bad. 353 00:15:51,018 --> 00:15:53,351 My editor's going to hate this. 354 00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:55,120 Aw, I'm doing it. 355 00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:57,288 I'm going to do that. Good. 356 00:15:57,290 --> 00:16:00,125 Oh, tell me the story again about the parents 357 00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:03,962 That live all the way in Connecticut. 358 00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:06,965 - Once upon a time-- - Slower. Slower. 359 00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:08,333 Once upon a time-- 360 00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:09,701 Louder and funnier. 361 00:16:09,703 --> 00:16:10,935 Yeah. 362 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,240 Hey, rob, thanks for coming over. 363 00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:16,741 Come on in. 364 00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:19,344 Why? 365 00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:22,080 I just wanted you to try playing with Michael again. 366 00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:23,381 You know, just give it one more shot. 367 00:16:23,383 --> 00:16:25,984 Nah, I don't think so. 368 00:16:25,986 --> 00:16:28,353 Listen, Robert, it just-- It makes me feel terrible 369 00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:30,755 That you think one of your nephews doesn't like you. 370 00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:32,323 Come on. Come on in. 371 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,362 Robert, come on. 372 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,802 Sit. Just sit down. 373 00:16:45,071 --> 00:16:47,105 Yeah, that's not so bad. 374 00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:48,973 It's uncle Robbie. 375 00:16:50,443 --> 00:16:53,712 Uncle Robbie. Yeah. 376 00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:57,749 How you doing? 377 00:16:59,985 --> 00:17:02,921 Hey, Michael, 378 00:17:02,923 --> 00:17:05,724 Would you like uncle Robert to read you a story? 379 00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:10,295 Hey, he's not that tough after all. 380 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:16,000 "Baby bunnies have such fun. 381 00:17:16,002 --> 00:17:19,170 Bunnies on the hop, skip, run"-- 382 00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:23,007 - Hey. - Hey. 383 00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:24,509 Look at me and Michael. 384 00:17:26,312 --> 00:17:28,847 You and Michael? No, you mean you and Geoff-- 385 00:17:30,851 --> 00:17:32,984 And Michael. Yes, Michael. 386 00:17:32,986 --> 00:17:36,788 Yeah, yeah, you got it. That's Michael. 387 00:17:36,790 --> 00:17:38,089 - See? - Yeah. 388 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,927 Hello? Hey, bill. 389 00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:44,763 Oh, you read the column. 390 00:17:44,765 --> 00:17:47,932 No, no, I didn't write that. Did not write that. 391 00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:52,303 No, no, I passed that on to you from a complete stranger guy. 392 00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:54,773 Uh-huh. Yeah. 393 00:17:54,775 --> 00:17:56,241 Okay. 394 00:17:58,010 --> 00:18:00,512 Wow. 395 00:18:00,514 --> 00:18:03,481 Was that call waiting, or did a vein pop? 396 00:18:07,186 --> 00:18:09,454 Yeah. Okay, I'm sorry. 397 00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:11,923 Right. So very sorry. 398 00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:13,525 Okay, bye-bye. 399 00:18:13,527 --> 00:18:16,795 Oh, ugly, ugly! 400 00:18:16,797 --> 00:18:19,464 Oh, that was ugly. 401 00:18:24,336 --> 00:18:27,438 Oh, hi, Ray. How are you, honey? 402 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,908 You hungry? No. 403 00:18:29,910 --> 00:18:31,976 Marie, Marie, I got to get my thoughts down 404 00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:35,814 Like it or lump it?" 405 00:18:35,816 --> 00:18:37,982 Oh, that's enough for today. 406 00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:41,419 I'm going to go lie down-- Under the car. 407 00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,122 Hey, Ray. 408 00:18:44,124 --> 00:18:45,490 Hey. 409 00:18:45,492 --> 00:18:47,025 Hey, what's up? 410 00:18:47,027 --> 00:18:48,526 Uh, nothing, nothing. 411 00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:50,829 I, uh--I talked to my editor today. 412 00:18:50,831 --> 00:18:52,297 - Yeah? - Yeah. 413 00:18:52,299 --> 00:18:53,998 And? 414 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,834 Well, uh, I guess the newspaper, 415 00:18:55,836 --> 00:18:58,937 They're not looking for a columnist right now. 416 00:18:58,939 --> 00:19:02,473 Well, I--I don't have to be a "columnist." 417 00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:05,510 I mean, my pieces can run every so often in the paper. 418 00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:07,912 Yeah, well, they said they already got something 419 00:19:07,914 --> 00:19:11,049 Similar to your piece in--in there. 420 00:19:11,051 --> 00:19:12,483 Well, what? 421 00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:15,119 What in your paper is similar to what I wrote? 422 00:19:15,121 --> 00:19:19,224 In tone; similar in tone is what he actually said. 423 00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:21,459 This guy sounds like he's dodging something. 424 00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:23,561 Is he some kind of an oddball here? 425 00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,063 He's not an oddball, dad. 426 00:19:25,065 --> 00:19:27,065 Look, it just-- It wasn't for him, that's all. 427 00:19:27,067 --> 00:19:28,600 Well, what did he say? What were his exact words? 428 00:19:28,602 --> 00:19:29,901 I don't know his exact words. 429 00:19:29,903 --> 00:19:31,402 What do you mean? 430 00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:33,238 You just spoke to him, and you can't remember what he said? 431 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:34,539 Dad, you don't want to hear it. 432 00:19:34,541 --> 00:19:36,274 Don't tell me what I want to hear 433 00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:37,642 Or what I don't want to hear! 434 00:19:37,644 --> 00:19:39,210 Tell me what he said! 435 00:19:39,212 --> 00:19:41,579 He said it was embarrassing! 436 00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:47,085 What? 437 00:19:47,087 --> 00:19:49,654 He said it was embarrassing. 438 00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:53,157 Oh. 439 00:19:53,159 --> 00:19:54,559 What else did he say? 440 00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:57,562 - Dad-- - What else did he say? 441 00:19:57,564 --> 00:20:00,899 He said it was amateurish. 442 00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:04,335 Really? 443 00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:05,670 I'm sorry, dad. 444 00:20:05,672 --> 00:20:08,306 No, no, no, it-- It's okay. 445 00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:09,374 No, you know what? 446 00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:11,109 You can't trust what this guy says. 447 00:20:11,111 --> 00:20:14,045 What does he know? He's an oddball, that guy. 448 00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:15,313 Huh? So what? You're not in the paper. 449 00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:17,382 You're in the "digest." 450 00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:19,684 Amateurish? 451 00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:23,388 27 million people, in 19 languages. 452 00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:26,124 In Germany and Japan as we speak, dad. 453 00:20:26,126 --> 00:20:31,329 Come on, huh? Nobody reads newspapers. 454 00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:34,132 You know, I-- I was feeling so good. 455 00:20:34,134 --> 00:20:35,566 Now I don't know. 456 00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:39,337 Dad, the "digest." send it in. Send it to the "digest." 457 00:20:39,339 --> 00:20:41,272 I did! 458 00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:43,374 They didn't like it either. 459 00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:46,210 That's why I tried your stupid paper! 460 00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:50,548 Well, come on, you can't just give up, dad, huh? 461 00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:52,116 - Aw-- - Come on, you still got 462 00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:53,985 All those Roy stories in there. 463 00:20:53,987 --> 00:20:56,521 Come on. What about everyman? 464 00:20:56,523 --> 00:20:58,222 What happened to the everyman? 465 00:20:58,224 --> 00:20:59,290 You got all those opinions. 466 00:20:59,292 --> 00:21:00,725 They're just fermenting in there. 467 00:21:00,727 --> 00:21:02,360 Got to let them out. 468 00:21:02,362 --> 00:21:05,730 Got to let them out, dad, or you're going to explode. 469 00:21:05,732 --> 00:21:06,965 You know something? You're right. 470 00:21:06,967 --> 00:21:08,700 I got opinions. That's right. 471 00:21:08,702 --> 00:21:10,268 Now who can I share them with? 472 00:21:10,270 --> 00:21:11,402 Well, come on, there's always-- 473 00:21:11,404 --> 00:21:13,538 My family. 474 00:21:13,540 --> 00:21:15,473 I was thinking guys at the lodge, 475 00:21:15,475 --> 00:21:19,110 And people at bus stops, and clerks. 476 00:21:19,112 --> 00:21:21,646 Hey, wait. Wait, here's one. 477 00:21:21,648 --> 00:21:25,149 Get to the point." 478 00:21:26,485 --> 00:21:28,019 There you go. 479 00:21:28,021 --> 00:21:28,686 Who could argue with that? You can't. 480 00:21:28,688 --> 00:21:30,221 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 481 00:21:30,223 --> 00:21:32,123 "How about those poems that don't even rhyme? 482 00:21:32,125 --> 00:21:34,559 That is this man's definition of lazy." 483 00:21:34,561 --> 00:21:36,761 Ah. 484 00:21:36,763 --> 00:21:39,130 My job is done here. 485 00:21:39,132 --> 00:21:41,099 "Make up your mind, America. 486 00:21:41,101 --> 00:21:43,334 Is it off-en or often?" 487 00:21:43,336 --> 00:21:45,737 Ah, ha! 488 00:21:45,739 --> 00:21:47,605 You're the king of those. 489 00:21:47,607 --> 00:21:49,507 All right, I'm going to go run and tell everybody. 490 00:21:49,509 --> 00:21:51,075 Hey, Ray-- 491 00:21:53,679 --> 00:21:56,014 What--what did you think of my column? 492 00:21:58,684 --> 00:22:02,153 I thought it was great, dad. 493 00:22:02,155 --> 00:22:03,454 Thanks. 494 00:22:09,328 --> 00:22:10,762 "Amish people: 495 00:22:10,764 --> 00:22:13,097 Friend or foe? 496 00:22:27,246 --> 00:22:30,580 "Roy." 497 00:22:38,824 --> 00:22:40,123 "Roy."